Rhythm of Red

I suppose there are some benefits to be sitting behind a computer for most of the day. For the most part I am informed when something new or bogus happens. I am up to date on the newest Lols, Fails, Youtube hits and misses, music, and anything else media related. If I could I would read the news online but to me there is nothing more satisfying than reading something on a piece of paper that is actually tangible. Scrolling down the page just doesn't do it for me. But other than media punctuality, I really don't like sitting at a desk all day. I think I would rather work construction than be stuck here. At least then I would get some physical gratification. But then again the grass is always greener, is it not?

Have you ever heard of Yasunori Mitsuda?
He is my absolute favorite composer. Which, if you know me, is quite a statement. He is a composer of video game music. I know I know, "It's just video game music." But trust me, his work is far more than just that. His music excels any medium I think. If I could, I would put it under the genre of "Life" music. This genre would imply that you should most definitely listen to this during your lifetime. Simply put, in my opinion, he is the best. I would love to shake his hand.

If you want to know what I'm talking about listen to this:

http://www.playlist.com/searchbeta/tracks#Times%20scar

http://www.playlist.com/searchbeta/tracks#rhythm%20of%20red

Awesome right?

Well, I think so at least.

You only live once

-MJ Gurulé

Congratulations...

To everyone who just graduated from Hercules High School. I hope your life from this point on is nothing short of wonderful.

To everyone at 4life who have helped to push immunity to the next level.

To all my friends who have stuck with me to this point.

To anyone who's ever had a dream.

Congratulations.

(P.S. Have a great trip to China, Michal Zhao!)

You only live once

-MJ Gurulé

Thy name is Fail...

Yesterday was rough. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I can't get food off of my mind. If I'm not worried about what I'm currently eating, I'm thinking about what I'm going to eat next or what I can and can't eat or what I will allow for right now but starve myself for later. Ay-yuh! What a vicious cycle! I think that, despite my weight loss in the past, I still have the brain of a fatty. Which is okay, I just have to stop myself before it gets too bad.

BUT I'M TRYING!

And isn't that a good thing? Yesterday was one of the first days in a long time that I tried to eat right and super healthy. Nothing unnecessary went into my mouth (haha) and I think I did a pretty good job. Well, that is until after my workout. My friend Kristen was celebrating her birthday yesterday and to do so her and a bunch of her friends (including me) went to Fentons Creamery in Oakland. Who can turn down Fentons? Not Pixar and definitely not me. So we all went and had a great time chatting it up and eating garbage until about midnight. Either way I didn't feel too bad about it because I had been doing so well up to that point and I plan on continuing to do well today. So far all I've had is oatmeal and coffee. For lunch I brought salad. Take that, jiggle!

Sigh. I'm tired. And sore.

I stubbed my finger on a medicine ball yesterday.

Ouch.

You only live once.

-MJ Gurulé

I Wanna Be Your Gentleman...

I feel like I'm at a turning point in my life. At least I'm really hoping so. I'm so tired of feeling bad all the time. I want to be happy again and now is the time to reach that goal. I ate a good breakfast today which consisted of a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of iced green tea. (I know, warm tea is better for you but I prefer iced.) It's so weird to feel this way though. To really really want something is super powerful. I'm really hoping I can pull this one off.

I want to be amazing.

I want to be the people that I daydream about. I want to create and recreate myself over and over until I have mastered myself as a person both internally and externally. I want to be remembered.

It's time for change.

And no I'm not on some "Obama" trip. I'm on a "I need to get my life together" trip.

And so with a heavy heart and a determined spirit I walk forward into a world unknown.

Wish me luck.

You only live once

-MJ Gurulé

Sing us a song of the century...

I really feel awful today.

Quite honestly...

I am so done with older people telling me that I have no idea what "real" work is. Fuck that. I know what real work is and I do it almost constantly. The only free time I ever have are the few minutes between going to school or my two jobs. They say that the youth today are lazy and uninspired. Well maybe if you got off of your fat ass and tried inspiring me I would actually want to do something you consider "worth" doing. But seeing as though you are just as lazy as me if not more and are speaking simply from a place of insecurity because you know you haven't lived up to your full potential and need to blame that shit on somebody else, I can fully understand where you are coming from. Just do me a favor. Shut the hell up.

I think it's quite obvious that I'm beginning to hate my job.

Fuck.

You only live once

-MJ Gurulé

I have issues.

Yesterday, while sitting in a Starbucks across from one of my closer friends, I had an epiphany:

I am sad.

But it's not the normal sad. It's a more repressed, I will destroy myself eventually if I keep this up, kind of sad. The type of sadness that sends a guy into his school or workplace with a loaded AK-47 and the desire to make lots of red splashes when he finally snaps. The type of sadness that causes a person to put on a fake smile and pretend to be okay and seem like his life is the best it could be when underneath his bones are brittle and aching and his soul is quivering. I guess if i had to put it into words, that would be the kind of sadness I am suffering from.

Am I crazy?

No. At least I don't think so. Even if I were I doubt I would ever go to any of the before mentioned extremes. Besides, I hate hurting people.

Do I need help?

Most likely. I wouldn't put myself above psychiatric treatment but the last time I saw a shrink nothing really good became of it. Mostly it was just me putting on a "I'm happy" act in order to impress some guy that I didn't really know. I tend to do that.

Lately there have been so many things that I want to do but I never take the steps required to get them into motion. I want to make music but I lack the confidence in my work to actually put it out there. I want to have a physically fit body but I am addicted to food and am constantly telling myself, "I will start towards my goal tomorrow." I think I've been saying that for at least a year now. How funny. I want to travel but lack the funding or support of those who could fund me ( My parents ) I want to do something amazing. Something ridiculous and crazy that people will remember for years. I want to show the world who I am and what a little, depressed boy from the ghetto can do when he mans up and follows through on his goals. I want to do all of these things but laziness is crazy and once it gets it's grubby fingers on you the couch is the only place you really want to be.

You only live once.
-MJ Gurulé