Yesterday, while sitting in a Starbucks across from one of my closer friends, I had an epiphany:
I am sad.
But it's not the normal sad. It's a more repressed, I will destroy myself eventually if I keep this up, kind of sad. The type of sadness that sends a guy into his school or workplace with a loaded AK-47 and the desire to make lots of red splashes when he finally snaps. The type of sadness that causes a person to put on a fake smile and pretend to be okay and seem like his life is the best it could be when underneath his bones are brittle and aching and his soul is quivering. I guess if i had to put it into words, that would be the kind of sadness I am suffering from.
Am I crazy?
No. At least I don't think so. Even if I were I doubt I would ever go to any of the before mentioned extremes. Besides, I hate hurting people.
Am I crazy?
No. At least I don't think so. Even if I were I doubt I would ever go to any of the before mentioned extremes. Besides, I hate hurting people.
Do I need help?
Most likely. I wouldn't put myself above psychiatric treatment but the last time I saw a shrink nothing really good became of it. Mostly it was just me putting on a "I'm happy" act in order to impress some guy that I didn't really know. I tend to do that.
Lately there have been so many things that I want to do but I never take the steps required to get them into motion. I want to make music but I lack the confidence in my work to actually put it out there. I want to have a physically fit body but I am addicted to food and am constantly telling myself, "I will start towards my goal tomorrow." I think I've been saying that for at least a year now. How funny. I want to travel but lack the funding or support of those who could fund me ( My parents ) I want to do something amazing. Something ridiculous and crazy that people will remember for years. I want to show the world who I am and what a little, depressed boy from the ghetto can do when he mans up and follows through on his goals. I want to do all of these things but laziness is crazy and once it gets it's grubby fingers on you the couch is the only place you really want to be.
Lately there have been so many things that I want to do but I never take the steps required to get them into motion. I want to make music but I lack the confidence in my work to actually put it out there. I want to have a physically fit body but I am addicted to food and am constantly telling myself, "I will start towards my goal tomorrow." I think I've been saying that for at least a year now. How funny. I want to travel but lack the funding or support of those who could fund me ( My parents ) I want to do something amazing. Something ridiculous and crazy that people will remember for years. I want to show the world who I am and what a little, depressed boy from the ghetto can do when he mans up and follows through on his goals. I want to do all of these things but laziness is crazy and once it gets it's grubby fingers on you the couch is the only place you really want to be.
You only live once.
-MJ Gurulé
-MJ Gurulé
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